Hello, everyone! Well, this is not only one that I have been "chewing on" for quite sometime now, but I have hesitated to post this touchy topic. That said, here goes...lol

One of the very first things that most of us learn about BDSM is the notion of SSC, or Safe, Sane and Consensual. And usually, right on the heels of this often controversial topic is often the ideals of honor, trust, honesty, loyalty, on and on, all of those ethical ideals of what is needed and desired to have positive outcomes when exploring and delving into anything a la BDSM and all that those little intials stand for.

However, I keep seeing these types of postings on the discussion and informational lists: "I am married. She/he does not get this, does not understand it, does not relate to it....insert all the many "does not" here.....then they usually go on about the need for discretion and have the expectations that it is fine and dandy to step out on a partner or spouse. And very often, within groups and communities, this is overlooked or others just choose to turn their heads and ignore it all.

Thoughts? For those of us "out there" in the real world of leather and bdsm....how do you personally feel about this one please? How do you find a level of understanding and tolerance with this one?

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Buyer Beware!

i have no understanding or tolerance for people who dont honor their marrage vows,
if your that incompatable with someone,
then you need to talk it out, or do something about it,

i'm a big beliver in being totaly honest with whom ever your with,
and mettingpeople even if theyre just going to flog you for a bit,
usualy involes lying where you were, and creates a rift in the realtionship.....

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Z (...just a kitten...)

I'm a firm believer in honesty in both the 'nilla and BDSM life. That said, as long as the spouse or S.O. is aware, I see no problem. In fact, for years I had a sub that was married, her spouse was fully aware of our activities and eventually became her Dom. I will not even casually play with someone who is not open and honest with their spouse or S.O. Discovering someone had lied about their relationship status will end our relationship promptly.

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The ferryman seeks riders

I understand the need for discretion due to someone having young children or in relation to a job. For instance I know a man who is in the military who will be court martialed if it's found out that he's involved in BDSM. On the other hand he's also married and makes it very clear that his wife has no idea what he's up to and will throw him out if she ever catches him messing around again. Apparently he got involved with a psycho sub who took it upon herself to call up his wife and let her know he was meeting with her. At any rate, he's being dishonest with his wife and all his attempts to meet with me for more than coffee have failed and will continue to fail. I could never allow myself to trust anyone who isn't honest with their spouse.

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Buyer Beware!

I don't accept that people are actually finding their "needs" being met via BDSM outside their marriage. What I do accept is that these people are looking for cheap thrills via cheating...you might call cheating their fetish. They will get it where and when they can by anyone willing to give them the attention they want.

Case in point:

I was talking to a lady on one of the BDSM websites and we exchanged yahell screen names to chat. As things progressed, we exchange pictures and Lo and Behold, I had seen her picture on a swingers website with a man. So I ask her if I was mistaken....no, it was her on that site too, but the man was not her husband. A few discreet inquiries later and I find that she was indeed married, her husband was not a swinger or into BDSM and had no idea of her involvement with either lifestyle. I immediately stopped chatting with her and blocked her from any correspondence with me.

It is one thing to be in an open relationship, quite another to cheat on a spouse. I've played with, even had sex with married women after having met their husbands and having been assured that it was acceptable to them. I find it a little distasteful, but early in my journey, I must say I tried pretty much anything that I thought might be considered "edgy". Boy o Boy have I learned a lesson or twenty.

SirButch.

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Deviant Dominants have needs too!